By Dr. Kevin Elko
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| Dr. Kevin Elko |
The
biggest challenge today is that lonely people are walking around in a crowded
world on top of each other, as lonely as can be. It’s a sort of extraverted
loneliness, meaning we are walking around in close proximity to one
another—talking, laughing—but never connecting. People are desperate for
connection. Even though people are talking to one another, they feel
unrecognized and more alone. A man walks around lonely, a woman walks around
lonely, they get married, and they walk around lonely together. Then, they go
to a job, hoping to connect there, and the challenge goes on and on – still
desperate to connect.
Connection
refers to the bond an individual feels with another person, group, task or
mission. Teams, marriages, companies that have intense connections—these all
can enjoy great results. Therefore, promoting intense connections should be a
priority for everyone. So how does one connect? How do we address being
lonely?
In
Houston a man has a program for schools to challenge conventional thinking.
Most teachers believe they must be tough, never smile, be very strict—until
March—and then they start easing up. But this Houston man’s program is very
different. In this program the educators learn to start the school year
connecting individually; the goal is not to be tough but rather to understand
and connect with each and every child. Then, after the educators establish a
connection, they push the child to reach up to become what God made them to be:
to realize their potential. This man showed me the success the program
educators have had, and I thought, "What an idea! Connect first; push
second."
So how
do you start? First, be where your feet are. Then, know that if you want to do
the impossible, you have to see the invisible. (We use this phrase in our
goal-setting DVD series.) Shut down the screens and electronics and open your
ears. Now, pick one person you care about and care about them. Being positive
is not as important as caring, words which mean you must sit down beside
someone you care about and truly care for that person, or more accurately, care
about what they think. Martin Luther King said two things are important: God and
whoever is in front of me at the time. When you are home or with people you
care about, whisper under your breath, "Be where your feet are." And
once they start to talk to you, whisper, "Listen to understand."
In
psychology there is something called transference, which happens when someone
transfers feelings onto someone else, although those feelings are brought about
by a previous event. I recently was watching the movie "Goal," in
which a nurse, conducting physical exams for soccer players, told one of them,
“I don’t like soccer players because my dad was a rock star and walked out on
us, so I don’t like stars.” This is transference.
But,
frequently, positive transference occurs, when positive emotions transfer onto
someone; in fact, it happens everywhere all the time. In every company,
country, team, and organization where the leader is loved, you have positive
transference. In a comic strip, after Barak Obama spoke as a young senator at
the Democratic Convention, a character was saying, "I love him but I don’t
know who or what he is!" Because he was so charismatic, many loved him but
did not know why; his charm made many to transfer feelings onto him.
Positive
transference often happens, too, when an expectant mother falls in love with
her baby’s doctor. Or when someone is being counseled and he or she
develops feelings for the therapist, such feelings have to do with
transference. Why would this happen? Connection. People desperately want
to feel like they matter, and when someone takes the time to make a person feel
important by hyper-focused listening, feelings transfer. In other words, when
you make someone else feel important, that person sees you as important,
actually as more important than you really are, because of the connection.
I am not
trying to have you make everyone fall romantically in love with you. But when
you make others feel like they matter, the feelings are genuine, and you
connect with them. They will develop a strong loyalty and you will have these
feelings returned and then some. Milton Hershey, the creator of Hershey’s
chocolate, went out into the factory every day to mix chocolate with the
workers, and they reportedly loved him. He wanted to connect with them, and
they transferred affection to him. This connection was intentional and he knew
its value. Love is not a feeling but rather a capacity: a capacity to connect
and care about others.
This
year we are developing a program about an effective leader making the
difference. LaGuardia—a former NYC mayor, who has the airport named after
him—was also a judge during the Great Depression and faced his first case with
a woman accused of stealing bread. When she told LaGuardia her crime occurred
because her kids were hungry, he said he couldn’t let her off because she broke
the law and, therefore, he had to fine her $50. Then, he announced to the rest
of the court room, "I am fining all in this court room one dollar each
(and 200 people were there) for letting this woman get in a place in her life
where she had to steal bread to feed her kids. Collect the 200 dollars and give
it to that woman." Each of us needs all of us; we need to connect to
everyone because we need everyone.
Do you
remember the speech Elizabeth Dole gave at the Republic National Convention?
She had a number of people in the audience who were impacted by the Doles’ and
she recognized them there. Positive transference was guaranteed because she
knew how to connect; in a room of thousands, she made them feel like they were
the only ones there. She used their names, pointed them out, talked briefly
about how every one of their lives were meaningful: connection.
Joe, a
friend of mine, did the same thing in a client event for Wells Fargo in Green
Bay. He stood up before my introduction and told the clients that he
appreciated them. In fact, ten minutes before, he had told me how much he loved
the people there and how lucky his family was to live there. When he started
talking to the room about how much he appreciated them, the words seemed
real—and do you know why? They were real: recognizing others and being real
equals connection.
I loved
working for a company this year called Community Trust Bank out of Ruston,
Louisiana. Their CEO, Drake, "gets" this concept. The company put
together a tour, and Drake and his team went out to talk to all the employees
with one message: "I want to connect with you, I want to listen to you,
and you matter to me." That was the message; there really was nothing
more. It was brilliant, because it was real! Drake knows if he cares and
connects as a choice, his employees will care and connect with the customers.
Then, presto, we have a culture of excellence. There are those out there who
say, "Start with the why." I say, "Start with the
connection."
This
holiday, connect. Pick the ones you love and want to be with, and go to them,
and after you are there, be where your feet are. After all, Christmas is about
connecting. God wanted to connect with you and me, so He sent His Son to us to
show us He recognizes us. We matter and He wants to connect. That is what
Christmas is about. Go listen to those you care about and love. Show them the
love your Father showed you. It is a gift that keeps giving and one they will
cherish and never put on a shelf. Merry Christmas to all out there who makes us
part of your family. We can’t wait for 2014!
Many of
you have asked about the availability of our new Goal Setting Program, To Do
The Impossible, You Have To See The Invisible, in a downloadable MP3 format.
It is now available on our website! It consists of six MP3 audio
files and a PDF file for the workbook which can be downloaded as a zip file.
Order it today at the link below!
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